Letting them grow
The art of parenting during the college years
BY HANNAH BENOIT
The Dean of Students' Office handles some yeasty problems, to be sure. Consider the phone call that came in from a mother early in one semester.
"I have to speak to you about a problem with my son," the woman said, stressing that the matter was urgent.
When Dean Sue Alexander called back, the mother said: "I'm very concerned. My son calls me every day and says that he can't find bread in the dining hall."
Alexander chuckles as she recounts the story. "I resist the temptation to say, 'Teach your son to find bread and he will eat for a lifetime.' And instead I say, 'Might you suggest to your son that he approach the dining hall manager and ask where the bread is?'"
If the Baby Boomers are indeed a generation of "helicopter parents"--so dubbed for their tendency to hover too closely over their children--then some parents have attained their first-class pilot's license. Alexander described this parenting style another way when she addressed a professional audience at a recent College Board forum: "These parents, who have scheduled and programmed their children for 18 years, have become skilled 'general contractors' for their students' lives: arranging, managing, fixing, patching and paving their way. They expect to continue that role at the schools they have co-purchased with their children."
A sea change
Alexander's colleagues across campus have also observed the phenomenon. "I have been in higher education for over 20 years, and there has definitely been a sea change in the parent-student relationship," says Kay Kimball Gruder, associate director of the Filene Center and a certified parent coach. "Most noticeable are the actions that many parents take to make decisions for their 'emerging adult' student, and their desire to be significantly involved in their student's day-to-day success. Of course, as parents, we want to pave the way for our student's success, but not at the expense of depriving the student of opportunities to develop skills and perspectives that will support him or her through life."
In other words, letting go is about letting them grow. During the college years, students are moving into adulthood, and parents need to shift from the role of manager to that of mentor and advisor. But while the relationship is changing, college students do need their parents. Mom and Dad may no longer be part of their children's daily lives, but they can help them succeed in many ways--by letting students know they believe in them, by listening, by encouraging them to pay attention to their physical and emotional well-being, by sending the ever-popular "care packages," and by asking them about what they're learning--without focusing too much on grades.
Demetra Pulos '74, mother of Corinna McFarland '08, puts it simply: "Back off, give them space, but be there for support and advice when requested. Let them know they are loved as preciously at 20 as they were at 2 and 10."
Like any new role, this one requires new skills and knowledge. Wheaton supports parents during this time of transition by providing resources--Q&A sessions at orientation; a parents' handbook and directory of campus advisors and offices; an e-mail newsletter and parents' web page; and twice-yearly letters from the dean about the developmental issues students face as they progress through the four years.
But more to the point, the college supports its students.
"Our approach is to work in partnership with parents," says Alexander, "but the goal of that partnership is to enable their students to be problem-solvers."
As a small residential college, Wheaton is well equipped for the job, she says. "This is not a large, faceless institution or corporation. We're not bureaucrats. We care about students and we care about helping them learn, and everybody at Wheaton, from the president to the groundskeepers and housekeepers, are educators."
The dean points out that "learning how to cope with unhappiness and work your way through it is a valuable skill." When a parent calls, she might tell them, "'Let's talk together about how you can help your student cope. Give them advice on how to solve the problem; give them advice on what to do to live with the problem for a while.' That's the approach we want to take. Parents need to recognize that everybody their students encounter at Wheaton really does know what they're doing."
While the whirlybird parents have drawn media attention, the fact is that most Wheaton parents are pretty well grounded--sharing the college's approach and adapting gracefully to their changing role.
"As the kids make the transition to adulthood, I see my parental role as being that of their coach and biggest fan," says Naomi Baline '70, mother of Sarah '08 and Matthew, a 24-year-old Bates College graduate. "I try to only give advice when it is asked for.... I truly believe you only learn by making mistakes and figuring out how to correct them."
Baline, who teaches eighth grade history in Melrose, Mass., absorbed this lesson from her own parents. "I clearly remember my dad telling me that he had gone to high school and college for him, and now it was my turn. It's not that he didn't take pride in my accomplishments, but he did not live vicariously through me. I took this to heart and pride myself on not being a parent who lives through her children. I too take great pride in my children, but they make their own decisions and have never been driven to do things because my husband and I wanted them to."
Parenting in a new age
So why do some college parents cling to their children? Dean Alexander points out that today's world is fraught with anxiety. "Columbine and 9/11 have exacerbated [parents'] fears for their children and made the possibility of random violence real.... With all the promise of the new millennium come perils as well." Furthermore, many members of the "millennial generation" are very close to their parents.
"Their values," Alexander says, "are not rooted in rebellion."
And then there's the "electronic umbilical cord." Cell phones, e-mail, text messages and instant messaging make it easy for parents and students to keep in touch 24/7, but these conveniences also enable a kind of micro-parenting.
"The challenge is when technology is overused and the parent compromises a student's opportunity to gain decision-making skills or negates a student's opportunity to feel the direct impact of his or her actions," says Kay Gruder. "When a cell phone call is used to wake up a student on a daily basis, the parent is depriving the student of gaining a sense of responsibility to one's self and accountability to others. When e-mail is used as a conduit to send daily assignments home for parental editing, the student misses out on using college resources to strengthen writing skills, misses out on the chance to feel the impact of getting a 'C' instead of a 'B+,' and perhaps even misses out on the opportunity to feel internally driven to do better."
Dean Alexander, who came to Wheaton in 1987, says it is not uncommon today for a student to come to her office to talk, pull out the cell phone and say: "My mother wants to be part of this conversation." Alexander tells the student: "You and I are going to have this conversation, and then I'm sure you'll call Mom and talk to her. And if Mom has further questions, she can feel free to call. But this conversation is between you and me."
Laura Blanchard '08 speaks with her parents daily via e-mail or cell phone, and keeps them informed about her class schedule, upcoming exams, and the progress of the men's basketball team. Her closeness to Mom and Dad is not atypical. Last year, one of Laura's classmates talked to her mother four or five times a day. "Her mother would be driving in her car and would call her to tell her random things, to say hi, and to ask questions," Laura says. "She has a special ring tone on her cell phone for her mother, and every time it rings all of our friends know it's her."
"What a contrast from my experience!" says Deborah Burrow Blanchard '77, Laura's mother. "I shared a telephone with six other freshmen on McIntire first floor. We kept it in the hallway, rigged with a locking mechanism on the rotary dial, and we took turns sitting on the floor for our brief 'long distance' calls. I'm fairly certain that phone calls to boyfriends significantly outnumbered calls to parents!"
According to Derek Price, associate professor of psychology, research suggests that "daughters communicate more frequently than sons, and less of it is about need and more just checking in to say 'hi.'" Most any parent who has fielded a son's inquiries about laundry, prescription refills or a dwindling bank account can relate. Price says there's a developmental reason for this gender difference.
Research suggests that "in many elements of U.S. society, young women's identities build on long-standing relationships, including those with parents," Price says. "In addition, young women have been found to mature more quickly than young men in the area of social identity."
Some parents and students manage to strike a good balance from the start. "I don't think that our relationship has changed at all" during the college years, says Robby Grossman '07. "My parents still advise me and support me as they did when I was a freshman, as they always have." He says he checks in with his parents about once a week, but adds, "I think that I've always been an independent decision maker."
A parent's place
While many parents today are highly involved in their children's college experience, it would be a mistake to generalize about parental behavior, says Derek Price, who for many years taught a course in adult development. For example, parents of first-generation college goers tend not to hover but to withdraw, because the academic culture is foreign to them and they're not sure where they fit in.
That's unfortunate, because the right kind of parental support can benefit students; research indicates that it correlates with lower levels of depression and loneliness among college students. Athletics and arts events provide natural venues for parent participation, and some students now invite Mom and Dad to Academic Festival or their senior thesis defense.
Debby Blanchard, a special education administrator, has been a guest speaker in one of her daughter Laura's education classes, and she and her husband Bob enjoy attending Wheaton men's basketball games. "The parent presence is very strong," she says. "We've been in the stands with parents who have driven long distances or even flown in from out of state to support the team. It's really amazing.... During Laura's three years at Wheaton, we've seen parents at all sorts of events--at sports, at concerts, performing at the Lyon's Den, at panels, at Roche Brothers filling up grocery carts--all in addition to the usual parents' weekend events."
Sometimes, the problem isn't too much communication, but too little. Parents are entitled to expect feedback from their college students, Alexander says, and if a student is non-communicative, it's okay to say, "I'm your mom [or dad]. I need a check-in." Then, it might be necessary to negotiate what form that regular check-in will take.
Corinna McFarland '08 agrees. "I think parents should be there to listen and give advice to us," she says. "I also think it is important for us to listen and give advice to our parents when they talk about their lives. Most of us owe a lot to our parents.... We owe it to them to let them be a part of our lives at college."
There's no denying the real sense of loss that many parents feel when their children leave home. "Nothing really prepares you for the empty nest," says Bob Blanchard, who suggests that high schools might play a role in educating parents on the subject. Blanchard notes that today's fathers are more directly involved in their children's lives, and for that reason, "many dads have a harder time when their kids go off to college than they did a generation ago."
Like so many life passages, though, this one brings new rewards. As parents let go, and students forge independent lives away from home, families may actually find their bonds deepening. "The ironic thing is that the relationship tends to become more intimate during the college years," Derek Price says, "and students tend to report that they're feeling closer to their parents." Growing into adulthood, students can begin to relate to their parents on their own terms.
"When you think about it, college is a great transition for parents, because it is a process of letting go that happens over time," says Eileen Kiley '81, mother of Kerry '10 and 21-year-old Katelyn. "I'm getting used to their independence, and they are getting used to mine."
