I intended to commence writing a journal on my 23^th birthday but had not the book. How long I shall continue to write remains to be found out. I have tried writing journals and diaries before but never had very good success with them. I soon became disgusted. I am writing this simply for my own pleasure and benefit and hope no one except myself will ever read it.This summer I spent in Maine and enjoyed it very much indeed We came back the last week in August, and have had some pretty hot weather since. Mr. Catherwood sent for me to come to Litchfield and take No.2 but I decided not to go. I have had several music scholars promised me but have not commenced with any yet.

Ella and Emma went to St.Louis this morning..

There is to be an examination of teachers today and Em is going to be examined. Ella will not have to be examined again but is going to see if they will give her an appointment. She will not go down to substitute again. She had enough of that last year. I am sure I would'nt go if I was she. I understand there is a scarcity of substitutes in the city. I hope they will have to beg for them. It would serve them right.
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for treating the substitutes as they did last year. I hope for the girls' sakes they will both get something to do soon. We are having a nice rain today an I should enjoy taking a nice book and cuddling down somewhere where I could hear it patter on the roof, and reading all day, I would like to be in Aunt Evie's attic today. Just think of it! I never went into the attic all summer. I am astonished at myself. There is nothing going on here of any importance. The college opened with very good prospects as to students this year, for which I am glad.

Mrs.Butler came home from the water cure last week looking and feeling much better than when she went away last summer. They had very sad news this week from Nat. The young lady to whom he was engaged is dead. I feel very sorry for him but I do not feel as if it was so very bad for him as if he was older. He is only nineteen, rather young I think to be engaged.

Since I wrote the last words in this book how many things have occured of which I little dreamed at the time. George's sickness was a great sorrow to us. Those days of suspense at Christmas time (when we almost expected that every mail would bring the news of his death), were awful, terrible days. Yet God, in his great mercy spared him to us, and it seems as if we could not be sufficiently, grateful. Emma went on to Camden with father then and did not come back.seg> We miss her very very much. She seemd just like another sister and we all feel as if this was her place. I have been studying short hand and can read in the corresponding style very well, already. I have at present two music scholars. Monday I commence to teach in the public schools of Alton. For some reasons I dread it very much, and for others I like it. I love to teach and then I like to feel that I am earning something. I did hope to go east during the coming summer but have given that up.seg> I hope Jeannie will be able to go, for I think she deserves it. Moreover, I have a pet air castle, which I hope may become a more sub
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stantial one, in the summer if not before.

I have no ambition to become a matchmaker but there is one match which I should dearly love to help on if I thought it best and proper. As it is I can only watch and hope. I wonder if any one ever thinks of and plans for me in that way! Probably not. Well I confess I do not trouble myself to do it for myself. I came across a piece of poetry which I think so pretty that I shall copy it although it is not peculiarly applicable in just this place.

At the ^present rate of proceeding, I think my journal does not promise to behome very speedily filled. Almost three months have passed since I last wrote. Mrs. Mac_ and her husband went to Hartford the first of March and will probably make it their home
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for the future. I felt very sorry to have them go so far away from us, although I am glad that they have so pleasent a home. Mrs. Mac. writes that they have very pleasent rooms and can see all over the city. I hope to visit her sometime. Mother's health has been very poor this past winter and spring. I enjoy my school very much indeed. The scholars are pleasent and interesting and I think some of them love me.

Mrs. Butler and Nellie and Annie have been staying here nearly two weeks, while they were breaking up house keeping previous to going to Leavenworth where Mr. Butler is pastor. They have reached Kansas now. They went to St. Louis yesterday and were to leave there at four o'clock last evening. Ella went to St Louis with them as also did Mr. Hopkins. E. said they had a splendid time.

I wrote George a letter when he was getting better and in it very carelessly remarked that I was afraid that Jeanniemight not be able to go east this summer. They have been corresponding for some eight or nine weeks.

The day before she went to Kansas she wanted me to come round and see her after school. I did so and as we were talking she told me that she
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supposed my prophecy was coming true. Of course I know what she meant. I gave her a good hugging. I asked her how long it had been and she said she received a letter from him last week asking if he might write to Joh her father. She said she was the happiest girl living. She could give up her visit east now with very good grace. I should not be surprised to see him out here this spring although I do'nt know as he can leave his business. So much for my air castle I hope nothing will ever happen to break or mar this engagement. I think he deserves to be happy after waiting three years for her. I know he loves her and am certain that she loves him. I wonder if I ever shall have it to say "I am engaged." Not that I care to say that. Indeed, I think I should prefer not to have it known only my friends, but I think it would be pleasant to remember that there was one that loved you better than any one else in the world. I would not have any one think me sentimental, and I do'nt think I am but I believe every girl sees the time when she feels the same thing. But I do'nt feel as if it would ever happen to me. I do not think I am attractive and then I never should see any one that
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I should want to love me in that way. My lot seems to be cast here for the present at least.

It is a rainy night and I thought I would not go out to church. I feel like writing and so shall spend a little while here. I received a picture of Emma Creighton last week, which I like very much. Ella had a letter yesterday from Em Watts. When Warren Mills was home in the winter he was quite attentive to Mary Rivers, although she was engaged to Alt. Wesper. Em wrote after W_; went away that Mary and Alt were all right she thought and Mary had her underclothes all ready to be married. Now, however, she writes that Alt has come home and does not wait upon Mary at all. I would like to know what it means. I hope Warren will never marry Mary or Kate Rose, though what right I have to hope anything of the kind might be questioned. They have both said very unpleasant things about him. I always thought he liked Mary but he always liked to flirt. I confess I am a little curious to see how things will turn out. I wish we, that is, Ella and I had some gentleman friends here or somewhere, with whom we could have some good talks and times, but we have no friends here either gentleman or ladies.
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We are left out of everything and I suppose the people regard us as old maids already, twenty one and twenty three years old!!! Well, I suppose after we become accustomed to it it will not seem so hard. It is a little hard to feel that we are left out of everything except such thing the married ladies and all the old maids are invited to. Not that I care for anythingof the students here. There is no one here whose society I enjoy at all except perhaps Mr. Stewart. But he acts very strangely, I think. I feel confident that somebody has said something about Ella to him from the way he acts. He does not go out with any one, but that need not prevent him from treating her civilly and he is very cool in his manner to her.

I have not heard^directlyfrom Jeannie yet although both Ella and I have written to her.

Yesterday Ella and I went to St Louis on the early train. We arrived in the city about eight o'clock A.M. We went first to Aber's to get us some boots. The young man who waited upon us was very polite. We have always bought our boots there and they know us. We happened to say something about U. Alton and he said in a rather hesitating manner "There is a family by
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the name of Rising in Upper Alton, is'nt there." He looked a little queer when he said it and that made Ella and me glance at each other. He looked up at me then Ella and smiled as did we, and he said "I do not know them, only a passing acquaintance." But he laughed and look at us so queerly. He belongs in Bunker Hill so mother says. I suppose Net has had a flirtation perhaps with him.

Ella had a letter from Em Watts and one from Em Creighton the other day, both telling the same thing, that Mary Rivers was very soon to be married to a Mr.Winchester of LEast Boston. I am sorry for Alt. She has known this gentleman but a short time, and it is supposed that it was all done while she was still engaged to Alt. Mr.W. is quite wealthy When Warren was home in the winter she flirted with him so hard as to cause a great deal of talk. I wonder what he will think of this.

Yesterday Ella and I had our pictures taken and from the proofs I judge they will be very good.

More than a year has passed since I have written in this book. I am afraid I should not know much of my past life if I depended alone on what I have written here. Since I last wrote so many things have happened that I think I must mention a few. Last summer the Butlers all came back east again. Mrs.Butler's health failed so rapidly after going to Kansas, and they were all so sick, that Mr.B_ decided to bring them back. Jeannie was very sick at one time in L_. After they had been east a short time Mr.B_ commenced to supply the second church in Bangor Maine and was afterwards they called him to become their pastor and he is more settled there. In January Jeannie and George were married and went to Washington on their bridal trip. I taught last year inAlton and had the same room as the year before. Last spring father decided for various reasons which I shall not tell even you, that he would come east again with his goods and would make his home here somewhere. On the 22^nd of June 1874 we bade farewell to U. Alton. I was sorry to leave some of our friends there and shall always remember them with much love but Iam not sorry
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to leave U.A. There are many things which I wish I had written during the past year but I've neither time nor inclination to do so now.

Yesterday morning mother, Ellaand I came back to this house from Camden, where we left all that remains of my dear father. The first year after we came herebackeast, father and I were here in S. Boston at Uncle Thomas'. I was taking music lessons. Father has never been well since ^before he left Alton. Last winter he had eight hemorrhages, from the lungs I suppose although he always thought they were from the throat. He improved towards spring and was much better though still far from well. All through the summer and fall he preached when he had the opportunity. Last fall he preached at Thomaston and Mrs. Fish gave him $100.00. She told him she never loved any pastor as she did him. In December last we came up here and took this house for one month not knowing how long we could keep it. So we have been together in a home of our own during the past
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months. Father's health has been poor all winter and looking back now we can see how he failed. He continued to preach whenever he had the opportunity. His cough still held on. We wanted him to go and see a physician, Dr. Thayer, but he felt that he had not the means to do so. In Feb. he had an attack of bleeding, or rather in January, but in a week or two he preached again. We all felt dreadfully to have him do so but he thought he must. Neither Ella or I had work and no immediate prospect of any. On the 27^th of February he preached his last sermon, at Manchester N.H. He preached his "shadow sermon." Very soon after that he received a letter from some friends in Waterville saying that they had heard of his poor health and asking him as a favor to them not to preach through the winter at least but to rest. The letter contained a check for $125.00. He also received a letter from Dr. Champlin containing a check for $25.00. As the necessity for immediate exertion was over he gave up and did not attempt to preach and since that time he has never been able to get through a sermon. In the last of March grandfather Bray died and mother
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and father went to Mystic Conn to the funeral. While there father seemed to fail very much and mother was very anxious about him, but after he came home he rallied again and seemed about the same. In May George and Jeannie and Fred came up here and were here several weeks. Father enjoyed them very much but the week they came he went over to the city and came home thoroughly chilled. Before this he had consulted Dr. Cullis and he had given him medicine: The doctor told mother that there was no help for him humanly speaking. God could do everything but no human aid could save him. Still we refused to believe that God would let him die. We knew there were many prayers ascending constantly for his recovery. I could not give him up. He grew weaker and thinner but for every thing which seemed discouraging I had some good excuse and thought after a while he would improve. In May Sarah was up here and she was dreadfully shocked at his appearance. She gave him a very cordial
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invitation to come to Camden and stay as long as he liked. She has since told us that she felt that she could not have him die in Boston. He gave up one thing after another but still I would not believe that he was going to leave us. He also thought he should get better. Soon his feet began to swell but he thought it was because he did not have exercise enough so we used to go out with him for a little walk sometimes three times in a day. He never altered a complaining or impatient word, but he used to be so tired. He could not read or have any one read to him because it tired him so much. Poor tired body! we know now what he must have suffered from weariness.

As the weather grew hot it affected him and made him weaker and he began to talk of Camden. Emma came from Providence and as soon as school closed we began to sew our mother's clothes to get her ready to go with him to Camden. His appetite had been poor all the year and we knew he did not eat enough to grow strong. We hoped he might improve when
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he reached Camden. The Sab before he went, mother and I talked with him some. Mother asked him if he thought he should get well. He said he did not think he should ever be well as he had been but he thought he should get better. He said he would like to live but it was all right whichever way it turned. He grew weaker all the next week. The Friday before this Sat he had a dreadful pain in his left side and it lasted him all day yet he would go down to aunt Mia's to dinner. The pain weakened him very much. The next week was fearfully hot. Friday, the 14^th of July he and mother went toCamden or rather started for there. He was carried to the boat in a hack. He was disappointed that he could not get into the carriage by himself and walk up stairs at the boat. Two of the colored boys there helped him up. He had the hospital room on the Katahdin. After the last bell rang Aunt Mia, Ella, Uncle William and I went out to the wharf. As the boat was moving out he asked mother
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to help him stand and he waved his poor thin hand to us. Oh! it almost broke my heart. I feared then that I might never see him again. On the boat before we came off he toldElla and me that he wanted to say to us that we had been good girls and done for him what we could and God would bless us for it. He said if it had'nt been for us he could'nt have been there then.

Mother said he sat up for some time and after she had put him to bed he said he had'nt been so happy for weeks, for he was on his way to "old Camden." That was a dreadful night to me. It seemed to me that if my father should die before I saw him again that it would kill me. I felt as if I wantd to take him in my arms and hold him so close that he could not be taken away. I wrote to him that night. Uncle William staid with us all night. The next morning my heart was like lead and the tears would come in spite of all my efforts. About ten I received a telegram from mother saying that he had a comfortable night and seemed much better
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than they even hoped. Tuesday we received a letter saying that Dr. Eaton came inSat and examined his lungs and gave no encouragement but said that the right lung was entirely gone. He would not say that he had raised it but it had hardened and there was no action in it. He did not see how it was possible for him to live more than a few days. Mother wished us to be ready to come at a moment's notice. She had not told father what the doctor said for she did not think it best in his weak state, and he did not think we had better go down to C_ because he thought it was a good deal for them to have him there and he did not want to crowd them. That was a dreadful week. Every time the bell rang I thought it was a telegram.

I felt almost bitter at them in Camden formother and all because they did not send for us. I felt that if there ^were only a few days more for father to live that I had a right to be with him and it was cruel to keep me away. Still I did not want to give up hope.
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I knew it would be a miracle if he was raised to us again but I felt that God could do it and I believed he would if we only had faith enough. The weather was fearfully hot. Monday we received a letter saying that father thought, as it was so hot here, that we had better come down with Em at once and stay a few days.

SoTuesday night, the 25 ^th July Em aunt Mia, Ella and I left Boston and reached Camden Wed. morn. I found father in the kitchen in a great lolling chair which Uncle E_ had procured for him. He did not look any worse as he sat there than he had sometimes before to me. He cried some when he saw me. The firstsecond> thing he said was to ask me if I thought he had failed. I told him I could not tell whether he was as strong but he looked about the same to me as when he left Boston. But when I came to sit opposite him at the table I could not help seeing that he was thinner in the face. That night Ella and I staid at aunt Evies. Thursday morning he had a dreadful chill and we all feared he would die then but after a while he got over it some
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what. It frightened me dreadfuly. Thursday morning Mr. Bulter came down from Bangor purposely to see him. He came in twice that day. He had no hope of his recovery from the first and I suppose it would have seemed strange to a stranger seeing him, that any one could think it possible. But I did. I put no trust in earthly physicians but it seemed to me that father was needed so much and was so well fitted to do good that God would restore him. I felt as if he might be trying our faith. Thursday night I sat by his bedside so as to give him ice water whenever he wanted it, and he wanted it very often because his poor throat and mtongue> were so dry and parched. Ella lay on the lounge in the dining room and mother slept with him. Friday Mr. Butler called again and talked and prayed with father. Mr. B. prayed that he might have the peace + glory and happiness which God sometimes gives his children as they are nearing home. "Sometimes it is given thy disciples to be
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held by the anchor of hope alone but sometimes there is given them a view of the glories beyond." He asked that it might be so with father and that he might have such feelings as he had had when leading others to Christ although his surroundings were different. I felt as if he might pray for father's recovery and I almost felt hard towards him that he did not. But, I thought, I will pray for it myself. Father did not seem at all agitated after Mr. B's prayer or through it althoughwe were all in tears.That evening after wehe was in bed he called us to him and wanted to talk with us. He said that he thought there was very little chance of his recovery. Mother asked him if he had any fear or terror of death and he said "O no, he did not know ashe did there was any reason for fear, He would prefer to live but if he must die he had no fear, He would prefer to live but if he must die he had no fear, he trusted to Christ. "If Christ does not save me there is no salvation." He knew he had not been faith ful always and had failed in many things yet he had tried to serve the Master, yes, he had tried to serve the Master but it was not in his trying that he trusted but in the
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foundation which He had laid. I said I wished we I had done more for him and he said "You have both been good, dutiful, loving daughters, I would not ask for better ones, and God will bless you for it." I said "we ca'nt live without you" and he said "The Lord will take care of you, you must call upon him at morn, at noon, at night."

Friday, his mouth was very sore and grew worse all the time. He could not eat but little and nothing that had any salt in it. Oh! how it made my heart ache to see him sit at the table and want to eat and not be able to do so. "A bountiful table" he would say "but I cannot eat." He seemed to grow weaker each day. When we first went down to Camden we used to help him walk to the table then, we wheeled him out in his lolling chair and then helped him into his dining chair. Then we, Nell , Ella and I carried him out in a chair and the last time we brought him out in our arms and laid him on the lounge. Dear, precious father, if I could only put my arms around him and hold him again but that I can never never do again. Oh! how can I live years it may be
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without him? And yet, I do not feel as if I was fit to go and meet him. Friday night Ella sat by him the first of the night and then I took her place and she and I took turns every night after that. We both staid down stairs all night. Sat night we had baked beans and he wanted some so much but they were just like coals on his tongue. He had not been able to talk except in whispers since before he left Boston and he could not talk but little to any one, for it tired and hurt him. If he only could have talked some to us! There are so many questions that I want to ask him. Oh! my father, my father, I want you so much. Sunday he was very weak and lay on the lounge a good deal. He was so thin that it hurt him to sit up and had done so for a long time. Sunday afternoon he had a little talk with Ella After telling her how he loved her he said he was "so happy when you found your position and every thing seemed to go so smoothly but every thing must break up and everything be plunged in ruin except the immortal soul. What is the immortal spirit? We can hardly tell; it is what remains after the body is destroyed. It is the
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deathless portion of our spiritsbeings and is redeemed when washed in the blood of our Lord Jesus Christ. I trust that I have been redeemed. If I have I am eternally saved, if I have not, I am eternally lost. I see but little hope that I shall get well, but the Lord will do what is bestright. He knows what is best, He will do what is right." A little while after, he had a talk with aunt Mia. He told her he wanted to ask her a question and wanted her to answer it plainly. He wanted to know if she did not think he had failed. She told him that she did not like to believe it; but she did not think he was so strong as when he left Boston. He said he knew it was so. She asked him "how do you feel, how does the future look to you? He said "I have a strong preference for life. I would like to get well to be a comfort to my family and to do more work for the Master. I have loved my work and though I have committed many errors yet I think that grace has given me in the main to be faithful." Sunday afternoon Nellie went up to Mrs. Night's and got an ice cream for him which he
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ate. Monday morning he seemed quite bright and we carried him out into the kitchen for his breakfast. The others had eaten their breakfast. Every time that he had been to the table before that he had asked a blessing even when he could not eat himself. It was so touching.Sarah threw a piece of steak on the coals and broiled it for him and he ate it without any butter or salt on it. He also ate a little ice cream which Johnson Knight brought down for him. After he had eaten his breakfast he sat up in his big chair until about half past ten when we carried him into the dining room. Soon he had an attack of pain in his bowels and we carried him in to the bedroom. It eased a little towards noon and he had a little nap. After that we brought him out and he took one taste of steak and said "it was no use" and had to lie down again. The pain came on very severe and we had to take him back a gain. Afterwards we brought him out in our arms for the last time. I went down to get some salve to rub him with and when I came backhe said a few words to me but I ca'nt
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remember anything except that hesaid he loved me. Oh! I would give almost anything I posess if he only had said something to me that I could remember and write down.It seemed to me that I must have him put his hand on my head at least and call me his little girl but he never did and I must live without it. The last night he lived I knelt down by his side and took his hand myself and laid it on my neck and he let it laylie there. I know he loved me but I do not think he could know how much I loved him and I never can show him now. I think there is nothing that he could have wished me to do that I would'nt have done for him. From my babyhood he has been so much to me. He had identified himself with all my pursuits. Not one thing can I do that does not bring him right up before me. My music is so connected with him that it seems as if I never could touch the piano again. I do not suppose it is right to feel so but I cannot bear to think I can never play for him again. I said to him one morning that I
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knew I had'nt always done as I ought to and had'nt always been a good girl and he said he did'nt know when it was but I can remember some times when it seems as if I might have tried harder to do something for him or perhaps have spoken differently, though I know I did try to please him always. Mondaynight the pain grew more intense and he sent me away. He seemed pressed for breath also and said we devoured the air from him. Ella sat by the side of the bed. Mother was by him and aunt M_ was in the room. I was in the dining room. The pain grew more and more severe until the agony was so great that great drops of sweat stood on his forehead and indeed all over him. Still he was just as patient as he could be. Not one impatient or complaining word has escaped him through it all. He has never said once that hethought wondered why he was sick. Even through all that fearful, mortal agony he was patient. While he was suffereing so he drew mother, who was sitting by him on the bed, down to him, and said "I want to say to you, Carrie, that my wishes are all
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past; if it is the Lord's will to take me tonight I'm willing". In a few minutes he said "I'm growing weaker and weaker you see, and the sooner it's over the better." Mother said "Perhaps so, for you" "O" he said "itOh, well! it will only be for a few days." Soon he said "The Lord's will be done, the Lord's will be done, even thought it be pain and suffering." Several times he prayed for help. Towards morning he sent Ella away that she might not see him suffer. By morning the pain had eased but it left him very faint and weak so that he could not turn himself in bed. When the Dr. came in about eleven Tuesday morning he asked him what he thought about his getting well and he said "I've come to the conclusion that there is very little chance for me." The Dr. waited a moment and then said "Well, its not strange you should feel so, there's not much to encourage one in your state." He asked theDr. plainly if he thought he would live a month. The Dr. told him that he did not think he could if things continued as they were. Fathersaid "That's the
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conclusion I' ve come to myself and I'm glad it is so. Then he asked some question and the Dr. told him that he saw a great change in him since the day before, and father said "I would like to call my family about me and take my departure." The Dr. said "it would be well to do so." Father said "I pray the Lord I may not have that terrible pain again." The Dr. replied "Doubtless your request will be granted. The Lord has been faithful to you and never failed you and I do'nt think he will in this." I was on the bed by him then and after the Dr. had gone I heard him saypray to the Lord to give him an easy passage from this world. Soon I said to him (for my heart seemed breaking) "Oh, father I can't let you go, I cannot live without you". He turned his head to me and said "Dont rebel, my child." Soon after (aunt Mia, mother Ella and I were all in the room) he said "I want to tell you that the Dr. has given me to understand that I may not live but a few hours and think so myself" I said "Do you want to go father?" He replied "Yes, I do"" I said "If the
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Lord would restore you to us would'nt you be willing to stay?" He hesitated a minute and then said "ifYes if I could have a prospect of some degree of usefulness." After a little aunt Mia, who stood by his side with her hand on his head, said "You've been a precious brother to me but you are going to the Savior now." He answered her "O yes I am" Mother said "And you'll see little Annie too" There came such a look of joy over his face and he raised his hands and clasped them as he said in such a happy voice "Oh yes, my darling little Annie I shall see her." Mother went on "And mother and father, and Horace." "Oh" said he "wont that be a gladsome meeting?" After a while he wished the family to be called tin that he might bid them farewell while he had strength. Aunt Mia went out and called them and they came in. He took each by the hand and gave them farewell words. He said to uncle E_ "Oh my dear brother how can I ever thank you for all you've done for me and mine?" Uncle E said "Do'nt try, its all right." Father went on
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"I do thank you so much and I am so glad that I could spend my last days here in 'old Camden' and be buried with my father." Aunt Mia wet his mouth and he called Sarah to him and kissed her saying "Sarah I wish I could tell you how much I love you for all you've done for me" He said more that I can't remember.

He put his hand up and stroked Emma'sface saying "Oh EmmaI love you, I love you. The rest we could'nt hear. To Nellie "Kiss me Nellie" and Ella heard something about trusting the Savior. The little boys came and he took a hand of each and said "Your uncle is going on a long journey ^{(not an earthly one)} and when he begins it you'll see him lying cold and still. Be good little boys and grow up to be noble men." After they had kissed him he said "Now if the Lord will give me strength I would like to offer a few words of prayer." He folded his poor thin hands together and prayed. He made an effort to speak distinctly and I think every one understood his words. The burden of his prayer was for the family, that the Lord would bless them and guide them
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and care for them. It was one of the most touching scenes I ever witnessed. After the family had gone outElla heard him say "Save me from another night of pain, Oh Lord" and soon after "Take me now Oh! Lord." Mother said "Can't you be patient and willing to stay a while longer" "Oh yes, the Lord knows best." Mother said God was taking from her everything and leaving us desolate" He said "The Lord will take care of you" Ella bent down and said "You do'nt feel anxious about that do you, Father, you feel easy about us" "Oh no" was the reply "the Lord will take care of you "He knows what is best" After a while Ella asked him if she should read to him and he said "yes read the seventeenth chapter of John." After she read that he wanted a few verses of the fourteenth. In a little while he said "I don't know as I've ever said anything about a change of clothing. We all exclaimed "Oh dont" but he went on "I do'nt want you to put on mourning for me, it will be a great expense and I do'nt like it" Mother said "it seems almost heartless not to wear it."

Ella and I said we felt as if we must and we wanted to, but it seemed to distress him and he said "No, no, I do'nt want you to, I do'nt want you to think of me as going to a dark place" We told him that we did'nt think so but it was an em blem of our own feelings, but he said "I do'nt you to wear it, I want you to have nothing but bright and happy thoughts of me. I shall be so happy." We all said it should be as he wished, and he replied "Oh I am so much obliged to you."

I suppose as he seemed so pleased that we ought to be happy about it but I felt as if I need to put it on and always wear it. It seemed so suitable to my feelings. It seems as if the sunlight had all gone out of my life and I do'nt feel as if I ever could be joyful and lively again. In the afternoon he experssed a wish to see Aunt Evie and aunt Clem and their families and bid them bood bye. and we sent for them. Jeannie was at Uncle Jesse's and she came up first. He kissed her and said a few words to her and then he said "Tell your father, I've gone home to glory I trust." She said "Have'nt
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you one little word for George" He turned his head so eagerly and said with such a look of love "Tell him he's been a son to me, a son to me, and I love him and appreciate all he did for me + thank him for all he's been and done for me." He had before that left a message with us for him saying that he knew he had made sacrifices for him an he appreciated it and loved him more than he could express. He thanked all of aunt E_ family separately for what they had done for him and us. We could only catch a part of what he said to each. To aunt Evie he said "My darling sister good bye and as she turned away he called her back and repeated it. To aunt Clem (and I think to each one) he said "I'm going home sister" Frank said "you have no doubts or fears" He replied with "I trust not" with such an emphasis that none could doubt. To Dele he said as he turned when she came in "Be faithful, Dele be faithful, to the Master whom you serve that when you come to lie where I am ﹏" the rest we did not catch. To Ellen besides other
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things he said "I have no doubts or fears for I believe on the Lord Jesus Christ" Ellen said that would be one of the most beautiful texts in the Bible to her after this. No one who was there can ever forget that scene. Dele says she shall never forget his words to her. He was so calm and peaceful and there was such a joyous light on his face. He was not agitated in the least. It was beautiful, though so sad to us. After they had all gone he said "If I could have my wish I would go now." After a while he called us to him and said "I want to say that I dont want you to break up the home. If it is a possible thing I want you to keep together. It may be that you cannot do so at present but make that your aim, to keep together. I do'nt want you scattered, one here, another there, and the other somewhere else, but I want you to keep together if it is a possible thing." I hope we can do so but it seems as if there never could be a home for us without my father.

I want my precious father so much this morning. The years ahead look so sad and desolate to me. This is his second Sab
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bath in heaven. Dear father! I know he is happy and I ought not to wish him back. I do'nt think I would call him back to pain and suffering but my heart aches so hard for him. About half past six he wanted the window blinds thrown open and he lay looking out a long time. His feet ached very hard all day and night and Ella and I rubbed them a great many times. Poor tired feet! they will never need more rubbing, they are at rest now. Oh, if I only could have borne all his pain and INKBLOT weariness for him how willingly I would have done it. I never can do anything for him again. Oh! my father! I wonder if you can see how sad and lonely I am and how much I love you and want you! He had a very high fever all Tuesday night and was so weary and restless although he uttered no complaint. He wanted mother by him all of the time saying "you promised you would not leave me, you promised you would keep hold of my hand." We all, Aunt M. Ella, mother, ⁺ I, stayed by him all night, fanning him, giving him water and doing all we could to relieve him. Though he has no reason of that severe
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pain yet he suffered from the fever and weariness. I felt that night that I dared not pray for his life but only that he might have a happy and easy death. I felt that it would be cruel to keep him here to suffer so. He was so weary! I never gave up the hope that he would recover until that night, not even after he bade good bye to the friends. It seemed to me he must live. About five we noticed a change. Aunt Mia went out and woke the family. As she came to the side of the bed he looked at her and said "I'm going over the river, now." As Ella came in by his side he reached out his hand and said "How do you do this morning. She took it and leaned down and kissed him and he kissed her. I was sitting by the side of the bed and fanning him. He coughed occasionally a little and so I put both my arms under his pillow to raise his head and I sat so until he left us. I kissed him once after his lips began to grow cold and he kissed me but oh! if I could be sure that he knew that I was by him and trying to do something for him I think it would be great comfort
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to me. I wanted to do something for him that he would like. In a few minutes he said "Do you see him, Ella?" She said "Whom?" "The Savior." "No" said she "do you?" "Yes, I do." In a few minutes he turned his head a little and said "Oh! I wish you were resigned." Soon with such a joyful look he said "I see my little Annie" and in a moment more_ "I see Horace, and father and mother. Turning to aunt Mia he said "Maria I see our father." He also spoke of aunt Sophia that he saw her. I think no one who saw him could doubt that he did see heaven and the loved ones gone before and all its glories. His eyes had such an eager happy look. They seemed to be gazing far beyond us. The pupil almost covered the ball of the eye. There was such an expression of peace and joy on his face. Aunt Mia said repeat some verses and some one spoke of "Rock of ages." He said "I can say that all" and repeated the first verse. When he came to the line "From thy side a cleansing flood" he repeated it many times. Ella repeated "Jesus, Lover of my soul" and he
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said "Sing" She could'nt then but repeated the verses and he repeated them after her and then said "I feel all that." In a few minutes he said "I thank the Lord he ever gave me a disposition to love him and I do love him." His voice was growing more feeble but we could still understand the most of what he said. Aunt Mia repeated the 23^d Psalm and Ella part of the 91^st Psalm and then she read portions theof the 22^nd chap. of Revelations. I could not think of any whole passage to repeat but that passage about the "Unspeakable and eternal weight of glory" kept ringing in my head. I could not or did not want to take my arms from under his head to look it up. His mouth was very dry and parched and he could not articulate very plainly. He said a good many things which he wanted us to understand. I think he was repeating scriptures and trying to tell us of the beau glories beyond, which he saw. After a while Ella had strength given her to sing. She sang the first first verse of "Jesus lover of my soul" and he asked her to sing the next. He repeated after her as she sang and when
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she had finished he repeated again and again "Cover my defenceless head." Almost the last thing which we could understand was "I praise God with my latest breath." Oh! if we could only have understood all his last words. I wish I could always see that happy joyous look he wore. I do'nt think he was ever consious of any discomfort or suffering after five o'clock. Oh! my father, my father. He said "Farewell my darlings" many times and his last word I believe was farewell. If I could only have had just one more kiss and word. It seems as if my heart will break without them. At a quarter of eight Wednesday morning Aug 2nd 1876 my dear father breathed his last with my arms under his pillow. He had not one struggle but passed away quietly and peacefully. I can never forget that death bed. I wish I could write out a vivid description of it. For a few minutes it seemed as if I should die also. But since the first bitter outburst I have been able to shed but few tears. My heart does not ache any the less and sometimes it seems to me that it
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would be such a relief to me if I could cry. It seems so strange to me for before his death the very thought of losing him would send the tears in floods to my eyes. But at times I've felt as if turned to stone as if I had no feeling or were stunned. That morning I wrote letters to many of the friends (personal) of my father to whom we felt we owed that mark of esteem. But I was as calm as any one ever was all through. My head felt as if there was an iron band around it and I could not think. I felt as if I never could sleep again. We sent a telegram to uncle William and one to Mr. Butler. Uncle W_ came Thursday. Mr. Butler came Friday and came at once to see us. He took mother and me out in the kitchen, to ask about the arrangements and and he laid his head down on the shelf bybefore the window and cried and shook very hard. He loved father and father loved him. We had a plain but handsome black walnut casket that opened the full length similar to little Annies. Wednesday night they laid him in it. Ella and I put on his cuffs and
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collar. He lay a little on the right side with one hand in his bosom as he used to sit so much. His hands were beautiful in death. He looked so peaceful and at rest. The funeral services were Sat at 2 P.M. from the Cong. church. They offered it and we accepted it because it was near and more convenient. There was first a prayer at the house. The casket was covered nearly with flowers. Emma, Nell, George, and Jeannie sent to Boston for a cross and anchor together. It was made of tea roses, white carnations, lilies, + tuberoses. They also sent a lot of smilax. It was beautiful. Sat. morning Nellie went out and got some ferns. and Mrs. Cleveland sent down some flowers. We four girls made a wreath of ferns and bunches of ferns and the flowers and Hattie N. made a beautiful mound of white double balsams, heliotrope and mignonette and feverfew. The smilax we wreathed all round the casket. I felt as if we could'nt have too many flowers for he loved them so much and especially this last year. Mr. Butler repeated the 18^th verse of the 14^th of Revelations "Blessed are
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the dead which die in the Lord from henceforth; Yea, saith the Spirit, that they may rest from their labors; and their workswords do follow them," and then made the prayer. It was a beautiful prayer. After that went to the church and the casket was carried there. Mr. Arey the Methodist minister offered the invocation. Then the choir sang "Oh! What is life" to the tune of Stepney. That was sung at Annie's and aunt Sophia's funeral. Georgie Thomas, Emily Eaton, Mrs. Patterson,_ Mr. Mills and Mr. Tobin were the singers and they sang with much taste and expression. Mr. S.L.B. Chase of Rockland read selections from the scriptures. First the 23^d Psalm, then the account of the ascent of Elijah, then part of the 17^th of John, part of the 22^nd and 7^th chapters of Revelations. Mr. Bower offered prayer and Mr. Butler read from the hymn "Servant of God! Well done. Rest from thy loved employ, The battle fought, the vict'ry won. Enter thy Master's joy.

² The pains of death are past; Labor and sorrow cease;
And, life's long warfare closed at last; His soul is found in ^peace.

³ Soldier of Christ; well done;
Praise be thy new employ; And, while eternal ages run, Rest in thy Savior's joy."

The choir sang it to the tune of Olmetry. Mr. Butler then made an address giving a brief account of his earlier life and his work and quite a full account of his death and last hours. It was a beautiful tribute to the pure chand noble character and earnest purpose and work of my father and it showed the great love he bore to him. I asked Mr. B_to let me have his words to copy here and I think he will. He brought us a sheet which he wrote to put in his address (to us) but which he omitted as he saw no place where he thought best to put it, but he said it was just what he wished to say to us and I copy it here. "And what shall I say to you, O ye who are a smitten flock today? I have only words of blessing and of hope. The inspiration of this husband's + father's life and of his death, could only prompt such words. Even his death, like his life, will leave only blessing for you. It's influence will not be blasting forto your spirits, like the schotorching of noonday heats, but it will lie on your way like the soothing light from over sunset hills. Believe me, you are blessed,
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supremely blessed, to carry with you, so long as you live the priceless treasures which the remembrances of him living, and of him dying, have enriched you with. Be strong in your trust in that Savior who was so unspeakably good to him, and gave him such a beautiful passing away. O be hopeful in the wealth you have in his prayers which are in the vials full of odors sweet whose incense long as you live, rising before the throne shall then fall softly in benedictions on your heads.." After Mr. Butler had finished father Washburne made a very few remarks. Mr. Joseph Kalloch read the hymm "Asleep in Jesus" which the choir sang to the tune of Selena found in the old Dulcimer The same hymm ato the same tune was sang at grandfather Wood's funeral nearly 23 years ago. Mr. Mathews of Thomaston then made the closing prayer and Mr. Cross the Cong. minister pronounced the benediction. Then the four ministers who have known and loved him for years and worked with him, Mr. Butler, Mr. Chase, Mr. Kalloch + Mr. Mathews bore out all that remained of him whom they had loved. They acted as pall bearers.
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We followed the casket to the grave where we and uncle William got out of the carriage and the choir sang "We shall meet beyond the river" and then Mr. Kalloch made a prayer and pronounced the benediction and we turned and left the casket which once contained the soul of my precious father. We laid him by the side of his precious little Annie under the shadow of the old mountain where he wished to lie. Every one has been so tender and loving to him and to us through it all that I shall always love them. No minister will ever be so much to me as Mr. Butler because he loved father so much. I think he knew more of father's inner life than any man living. Sundaywas a hard day for us. All day I was thinking of the Sunday before when I had a fathers on earth. Now I have a father in heaven. Sunday night Aunt M. mother, Emma, Nell, Ella and I went up to the cemetery. I do'nt think of my father really as lying there. I know and feel that his spirit is not there but I would like to make the last resting place of his body as beautiful as it can be.
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Tuesday nigh Nell, George N. Ella and I went up again and carried flowers. Wednesday night Aunt M. mother Ella and I left Camden for Boston reaching here Thursday morning not quite four weeks since ^after father and mother went down there. The "home" is dreary enough. No father. We have received many beautiful letters from personal friends of fathers which have been very gratifying to us. I wish to copy parts at least of some of them. Uncle E_ received one from lawyer Gould of Thomaston before father went away, which touched us very much it was so unexpected.

I might have though that if I met Mr. Gould he would express his sympathy for father but I did not think of his writing such a letter. I quote from a letter from Rev. W. A. Evans. "There he will be appreciated by his master and by those, so many, whom he was instrumental in rescuing from sin and in giving them a good hope in Jesus Christ. I doubt not many ransomed souls welcomed him as he passed from us to be with Christ. He has many stars in his crown of rejoicing and what a gratification awaits him there as he sees what God enabled him to do here and what a home Christ has prepared for him as a reward. What a promise is his now in glory. "And they that be 'teachers' shall shine as the brightness of the firmament and they that turn many to righteousness as the stars forever and ever." — Be assured, you have
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my heartfelt symapthy in your great loss. Bro. Wood was a wise man in every relation of life and no one who knew him can but feel deep sorrow in view of his early departure when in the maturity of his powers and in the midst of his usefulness. But so has God willed it. One who knew him + loved him better than we has taken him from us to do better by him than we ever could."

Mr. Ayer who is in Skowhegan, pastor of father's first church wrote that if he had received the news of father's death in time he would have tried to be present at the funeral services. He says "You have the the sincere sympathy of all the good friends here and our prayers that God many manifest his fatherly care and compassion to you in your days of loneliness and grief. In this place, the scene of the first labors of Mr. W_ his memory is very precious. I have heard the people talk much more of him than of any other former pastor, tho' his pastorate is so remote + not so long continued as some. Some of them who were but children when he was here, remember distinctly sermons which he preached when God was so abundantly blessing his ministry —. And the good man
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who toiled faithfully + with devotion for the glory of God + the salvation of sinners is now in God's presence; + understands the providence, that seemed so dark to him, + ^seems so mysterious to you, that shortened on earth the days of his usefulness. May you have grace to follow in his footsteps as he followed Jesus." I wrote to Mr. Bullen of father's death and we received the following ("which is part of his letter only) "Your daughter's letter of 2^nd conveying the sad tidings, but tidings of ^{release +} glorious reality of your dear husband is received _ I know and feel that I have lost a personal friend. He was very dear to me. I shall never forget some lessons learned from him, from his lips from his character + from his life. I admired him for his ability, I honored him for his devotion to our Heavenly Master, his fearless vindication of truth, above all, I loved him for his downright honesty, his pure purpose, his humble spirit. I have seen few, very few like him in these respects + I may say ^add, I expect to see very few such. I love to recall his qualities of heart and head, his usefulness. I love to think that
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he rests, that he has entered into the everlasting rest. I wish I might write a word for your comfort + the comfort of your daughters. I rejoice that you need no instruction, that you know where to go, that when the sympathy + words of earthly friends prove altogether inadequate the Friend is with you who is able who is willing, who proves himself as the needed and the sufficent one."

Mr. Bullenname> was a true and sincere friend of my father and has proved himself so in more ways than one. Mr. Marshall wrote that he wished he could be with us at the funeral services as also did Mr. Bullen. I quote from Mr. M_s letter. "How well do I remember that kind face and pleasent voice as he would preach the word of life! His sermons, how full of food suited to the wants of both young and old, ignorant and learned! From them I mot only derived my portion of meat; but about all the theology I had when I commenced preaching. To me he was not only as a pastor but as a Theological professor. Do you wonder that he occupies a large place in my heart? Nor has my acquaintance since that time
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been less precious. I have always felt honored in saying that I was personally acquainted with him and you and boarded with you my Senior year in college. Last winter I met him at Taunton for the last time ﹏﹏ Now his work is done- well done. While no one church is left pastorless by his death; the wholechurch and all that knew him mourn with you today" We have had other letters which I have not copied all containing expressions of love and respect to him who has gone. Though nothing can make us forget sad bearavement yet it is gratifying to us to have these expressions of regard.

We have been looking over some of fathers journals in his college years and some of his letters since we came back. In his journals of 1843 we find his dedication of himself to God and after that some rules which he thought ought to regulate his conduct. We never knew that there rules had been written out but they were so incorporated into his character that every one would recognize them. His daily life was guided by them and was a beautiful exemplification of them.
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I desire to take them as the rules of my life and I pray God that he will help me to try at least to follow them as closely as my dear father did. I copy them here. " It should be a rule with me _

I would like to make these rules mine and I will endeavor to do so, with the help of God.

Another long lonely day. George was over this morning. He spent the night at Uncle Thomas'. Tonight I feel blue and the longing for my own precious father is great. I cannot feel as if I never was to see him on this earth. I need his counsel and direction. I do try to trust in the Lord and he has given us abundant reason during the past winter and spring to trust him but I have always felt as if it was all done for father's sake and I feel as if I were too wicked to claim any of the promises. Yet I think I want to be a true christian. If I am not one now I want to know it and I want to be one now . I do'nt know as I am willing to do or be anything to be a
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christian but I would like to be. Sometimes I am afraid I feel more anxious to meet my own father in Heaven than the Savior. May God help me to have right views and feelings in this matter. I am studying some now to prepare for a special examination in Physics, +G eography, Geometry and Astronomy if I can find out when it is to be. I miss the dear one who always interested himself so much in all those things, very much. I need his advice so much. Ah! well, I shall never have it more. Dear, precious father.

Today has been a long day. I have not been out at all. I do not feel that I make any progress at all. I cannot see that I improve day by day. Each night as I look back over the day I resolve that I will try and do better the next day, try to do something for Christ, but when the next night comes I feel just as much dissatisfaction. I am too much inclined to neglect secret prayer. I do pray in my heart but I do not go away by myself to pray as I ought. And I often feel that I am too selfish in my prayers. They are too much for myself and my own special friends and I do not feel
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as much interest for others as I ought. I think I am in earnest in wishing a change in this respect. I want to feel just as the ^{writer of the} following lines felt and yet I do not know as I am quite willing to say all. May the Lord help me to be willing to make the prayer sincerely and earnestly.

The longing for my darling father grows stronger each day. Last night after I had gone to bed the sense of my loss was so strong that it seemed as if I must cry out. I cannot realize even now that I shall never see him again. It seems as
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if he must come back to me. Thursday night I recieved a letter from Ella Ayer wanting me to come to Skowhegan and teach music. My first thought after reading the letter was "I will ask father what he thinks of it." Oh, I miss him so much, his advice and council. About this matter of what I shall do to earn my living I am very undecided and feel rather discourgaed and blue. I want to get something that will pay me enough that Ella and I can take care of mother without her being obliged to work. She is far from well and strong and I know of nothing that she is able to do. I do try to trust the Lord. Father said he could leave us with him and he would care for us. I know there are many promises in the bible but I feel as if they were not for me.

Eph Norwood came over Friday morning and staid an hour or so. We have had several more letters from friends speaking of the love which they bore to my father. Mrs. Leverett writes " My dear Sister_ I cannot tell you how deeply pained I was to learn from Ella's letter that your
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dear husband had passed away. I need not assure you ofthat you have my heartfelt sympathy in this your sore bereavement. Your loss is no ordinary one _ such men as your dear husband, are not often found, and no one knew his worth so well as yourself. He has left his family and the world a precious legacy in his spotless life and untiring, faithful devotion for the cause of his Master. I know how utterly powerless anything I can say, is to afford comfort to your lacerated heart, but I wish to assure you how sincerely I sympathize with you, and how gladly I would alleviate your sorrows if it were in my power. When you and all your family were so kind to me in my great affliction, I little thought you would so soon be called to drink the same bitter cup. May God give you as kind, loving, friends as I then had. What a joyful meeting it must have between Annie and her father! And then the parents and brothes and other dear friends to greet him and welcome him to their blessed home! And while your eyes are filled with tears, his "behold the King in his beauty." There, dear sister, he
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waits to welcome your, when life's labors are ended to one of the many mansions in his Father's house above. I feel that in your bereavement I too am bereaved. I never had a pastor to whom I was so strongly attached as Dr. Wood. Many times since you left us, I have longed to listen to one of his good sermons, + wished that I had treasured them in my mind more carefully, when I had the privilege of listening to them At the prayer meeting last evening; Dr. Kendrick paid a beautiful tribute to the character of Dr. Wood and when Prof. Castle prayed, he was so deeply affected that he could hardly command his voice. I hope as a church we shall heed this lesson of God's providence."

In the Advocate this week is a letter from N. York signed "Sea Air" and the writer speaks of father. I will copy that part of the letter. "I wish we could all have as good record and happy departure as our beloved brother Wood. Brother Wood apears before my mind's eye as he was twenty years ago; a man full of professional enthusiasm, true to his calling, intolerant of shame, sure of his message
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to men, unconscious of any regard for the good opinion of the worldly, a true servant of Christ and his people. Any who saw his manuscript sermons of those days will recall the extreme care with which they were written: the analysis most severe, the divisions marked with extraordinary precision, the whole sermon elaborately finished, showing the patience of thought, the clearness of logic, the conscience of truth and expression which characterized the good man. He rises before me today as an ideal man, Christian, minister."

This, I expect, is the last Sunday that I shall spend at home for some time. Tomorrow I expect to leave for Skowhegan where I take a class in music. Every thing is uncertain. I do not even know how many pupils I shall have. The prospect does not look very bright to me. I leave mother unsettled not knowing what she will do or where she will live. I have tried to decide aright but may have made a mistake. Wednesday Mr. Dunton called and asked me if I wanted a school, He said the master of a Brighton district schgrammar school asked him the day before if he could recommend a
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teacher to him for a fifth class and he recommended me. There was a young lady to whom the situation had been offered but it was not certain that she would accept as another was open to her. Mr. D_ said that he thought it was about an even chance, perhaps a little more in my favor. I suppose if the opening has come before I had decided to go to S_ that I should have taken it but it might not have been best. How much I have wanted father to help me to decide in this matter! It will always be so I suppose. I feel badly about leaving mother and Ella for they are neither of them well. And then I hoped we might keep together as father wished. If I could only leave them knowing that I should be so successful that I could send them enough so that they might be comfortable and not have to worry, I should feel better. I know I ought to trust them to the Lord. I know he is able to save them from the want of anything. Sometimes I feel as if the promises were not for me for my heart is so impure
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and wicked. But father trusted hHim and said He would care for us. Dear father! I want you so much. For the last three weeks Annie Atkinson has been helping me about the sewing. I do not know how we could have got along without her. The Lord must have sent her to us.

My first birthday without my father! The longing for the dear one has been almost more than I could bear today. Oh to have him put his arm around me once more and kiss me, what would I not give. That will never be. My darling my darling I want him. This morning in my trunk I found a package from Ella and on undoing it I found it was a picture "Rock of ages" With it was a beautiful letter from her which I shall keep in here. Dear child I love her and mother so much and it seemed as if I could not spend this first birthday without my darling father away from them. I know they thought of me. But oh how desolate I felt, and do feel now. It seems to me at times that I cannot bear it. Oh if I had only showed him more plainly while I had him that I loved him.
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I left Boston Monday night on the Katahden. We had a fine night down and I had a nice stateroom We reached Bangor before twelve the next day and I went with George to Mr. Butler's to dinner. Jeannie was very glad to see me. After dinner G_ went to the cars with me and I bought my ticket and checked my trunk through to Skowhegan although I could not go through that night.

I intended to go down to Mrs. Stackpole's and spend the night but Mrs. Stevens met me at the depot and took me home with her. The next morning I went down to Mrs. S_s and she was very glad to see me. She talked of father and cried as she talked. She loved him dearly. Mr. Stackpole is not well at all and she feels very anxious about him. After dinner I went up to Mrs. Williams and then back to Mrs. Stevens' where I found Mr. Ayer. He had found a boarding place for me, at Mrs. Lord's. He introduced me at the depot to Mrs. Cleveland and Miss Priest. When we reached S_ Mrs. C_ invited me to go home with her for the night and I went. I found her and her sister Mrs. Edwards very pleas
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ant and kind and full of interest and love for father and mother too. Mary Cleveland also was very kind. "Aunt Jane" also was there and glad to see one of father's daughters. In the evening I went in to see Ella Ayer. The next morning Mr. Ayer put an advertisement in the paper. I went in to see Ella again and she made me stay till after dinner. Then Mr. A, came over to my boarding place with me. Mrs. C. and her sister and daughter all wanted me to come there often, every day if possible. Two girls came to see me at Ella's and thought they would like to lcommence tomorrow but I've not heard from them since.

Last evening I went to prayermeeting in the old church where my father was ordained. I found several there who knew and loved him and they all seemed very glad to see me.This morning Mr. or Gen. Shepherd called to see me. He saw in the paper last night that I was here and he came at once. He said he thought perhaps he and his wife could assist me some in getting a class and if I wanted any help I must not hesitate to call on them. He said he became
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very much attached to father. He said his wife would call soon and then he wanted me to come and see them andas often as I could and stay as long as I would. After he had been gone some time I went up to see Ella and on my way back stopped at Mrs. Cleveland's. They were going to Mrs. Wells to dinner and invited me to go too because she loved father dearly. So I went. She wanted me to come often.

Oh my darling if I could only tell you of these things! Dear mother and Ella I can write them too but _

Today has been a rainy day and I have felt so lonely and dreary. It seems as if I must have my father. His picture stands here where I see it every time I look up and it seems as if it could not be that that is all I have left of him. It seems as if I must speak to him and hear him answer. It seems as if I never could be unhappy if I only had him. But there are only three of us left and if we can only lived as he lived and die as he died we shall be blessed indeed. Sometimes it comes over me with such force that it seems to me I
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cannot bear it. Never to see him again on this earth? Never to hear his dear voice again. The years ahead look very dreary, without his love and tender shielding care. I had always looked forward to caring for him and mother and working for them. But how little I was permitted to do for him. Ah! he is where he does not need it now. I wonder if he looks down and sees our aching hearts and feels that it is best for us! May we all live so that we may meet him in that brighter and happier world. I feel so anxious about my work. Every one seems to think there is a good opening here for a teacher and I commenced Sat with two girls. I feel as if I could not wait long for I must do something to help take care of mother. I tried to decide aright according to the light I had. I hope I have not made a mistake. If I have God can overrule it for the best. He did help me beyond my expectations last spring and I am asking him with all the faith I have to do the same by me now. I feel as I never felt before my own utter inability to do anything of myself and that He is the only one in whom
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I can trust. And then again I feel that when he does not see best to prosper those who are so much better than I am, how can I expect to be prospered. I do feel that my motives are right and my dear father's words "God will take care of you" come back to me. Mrs. Lord's two daughters Mary and Linda started for the centennial today. Miss Linda is going to take music lessons when she comes back, next week and they both think they can help me about getting up a class. They seem much interested in my success. Sept. 20^th It has been very unpleasant all day and has rained a good part of the time. Yesterday was a very rainy day. About half past four Mrs. Lord called me down and I found a young girl Miss Belle Emery waiting to see me She wanted to see about taking lessons and one of the teachers, who boards with her father, also came in and she wants to take also. So they commence on Sat. I wish I might have a dozen more by that time. I would like about forty. I know that seems a large number but I think I could manage in
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some way. I want thirty five or six any way. That was the number I believe that Mrs. Staples had. I could do something for mother and Ella then. I do feel sometimes as if the Lord would help me in this. I feel anxious also that mother and Ella should be comfortably placed and that Ella have a good paying situation. She does not have as much pay as she ought to have. Mr. Ayer brought me a letter last night from mother. I was very glad to get it indeed. This morning I went up to see Ella a little while and when I came back went in to Mr. Cleveland's. I found Miss Mary quite sick with sore throat. I had father's, Ella's and my picture with me and showed them to Mrs.C_ and Mary. They both said they could look at father's all day. Mrs.C_ said she thought my picture looked older than I do. I said I thought I looked old and she exclaimed that she did not. She said they were reckoning the other day how old I was and Mr. Edwards declared that I was'nt over twenty two.

It sounds as if it was still raining and the night "is dark and dreary." I have practised three hours today. The practice brings up the dear father
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so plainly. I do not enjoy it as I used to when I had him to play for. When I look at his picture it seems as if I must be in a dream + shall wake up and find him again. Oh my darling! If I had only done more for him while I had him! How I long to put my arms around his neck and hear him say just once "My little girl." But alas! The longing is vain. Never again shall I feel his arm or hear his voice in this world. I always loved my father from my babyhood and always had a great horror of losing him but oh! the horror is realized now. My grief is exceedingly bitter and sometimes the burden almost greater than I can bear.

I have had nothing encouraging to write as regards my work and so I've neglected writing. I feel very anxious indeed. I have'nt enough to do yet to pay my board. I do not feel that it is right to trouble others with my care and I do'nt wish to write mother and Ella for they have enough to worry them as it is. I feel as if there is One who can help me and without performing a miracle. But He may not think it best to help me in
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my own way and I am afraid I am too anxious to have help come in that way. Perhaps there is too much pride in my heart that must be brought low. I do want to have a large class so that I can take care of myself and mother and have some money left so that we can put up a stone for father next summer or spring. I also want to be able another year to have work where I can be with mother and Ella and can take music lessons myself. I know this is a good deal to desire and I've not ventured to speak all this to any one. I want Ella to have a good situations where the work will not be too hard and she can improve in her study and have at least $15. per week. These things I ask for daily besides other and different things. Sometimes I feel that I do not care enough for better things or rather that I am more anxious about the affairs of this world than those of the next but I do not want to be. I want to "choose first the kingdom of heaven." Help me Oh Lord to make my motives and desires right in Thy sight! I feel so many times that if I only had the dear father to encourage
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me I could do better. It seems to me sometimes as if there was little left to live for. If mother and Ella must be separated from me always I do'nt know what pleasure there can be for me. People here are all kind and they loved my father but oh they cannot realize what he was to me, or how my heart aches for him. If only I could be like him!

The way looks dark to me, very dark. I do try to "commit my way to the Lord" and trust him and I try to be willing to have Him care for me in His own way. But it is hard to feel it sometimes. At times I feel as if I did wrong not to stay in Boston and risk my chances there. But I did try to decide aright and asked for guidance and the way seemed to be closed in every direction but this. Wed. morning Frank Dare (Mrs. Lord's grandson about 19 years old) came in and asked me if I was going up to Mr. Ayer's that day. I told him I guessed I should and he said if I wanted to go then he would carry me, so I went. I staid there a while and then started to come back. On my way I went into Mr. Nahum Steward's and they kept me to dinner.

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Mr. Steward was talking about his son Asa who died a good many years ago and he said father thought a great deal of him. He was a little older than I was. He said some one asked father when I was a baby if he did'nt wish I was a boy and he said no, he guessed Asa and I would grow up and go together as missionaries. They loved father very much.

Sat. night Miss Priest and I went out to call on some whose names Ella Ayer gave me. Willie Goodwin is going to take lessons and we found three others who I think will take after a time. Today Mr. Dinsmore called to see about his little daughter. She I expect will commence Friday. Yesterday I played the organ in the Baptist church. It was communion Sunday and of course I stopped. It was a very sad occasion to me. The last time I was at communion on the first Sunday in April my father assisted Dr. Lorimer>. That was the last time that he ever went to church until his casket was carried there. Dear father. I can see him just as he looked then. Oh! I do not think I would
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call him back but sometimes I do not know but that I should if I could. I want him so much. I wonder if he is permitted to see us on the earth and watch over us. How can I live without him.

I meant to write some in this book yesterday but had no time. Sat. I gave three lessons and rehearsed with the Babtist choir in the afternoon. After the rehearsal I went up to Mrs. Steward's and Mrs. Ayer's. Mrs. S_ wanted me to come back there to supper and I did so. I like her very much. She loved father very much indeed and that is enough to make me like almost any one. Oh! my darling I loved him and do love him now so much. Sometimes it comes over me with such force that I've lost him even when I am in company anthat the tears will come in spite of me. I had a letter from mother Sat. and she said she had found three more of his journals anone of them written while hearre. In that one on^under the date of Sept 15, 1849 was written "This day at 2 ^o' clock was born unto us thro' the mercy of God, a little daughter weighing six pounds and very healthy and bright in
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appearance " "xxxx "Gracious Father in heaven, tThou who hast sent us this gift of love, wilt thou grant now to accept it at our hands again _ to be dealt with according to thy infinite love and wisdom. O may she be made a partaker of thy grace through Christ, live to serve her generation as a useful, devoted christian, die in the faith of Jesus and be ever blest in the kingdom of glory, for the Redeemer's sake. Amen. N. Milton Wood." Dear, dear, father! May his prayer be answered. Oh Lord do thou take me and make me thine and answer this prayer of my dear father. Help me so to live that I may let my light shine before men that they may glorify thee.Make my motives right in tThy sight. Oh! Let my love for my dear father be the means of drawing me closer to tThee.

Mrs. Steward asked me the other day if I would not bring up one of father's sermons_ - the last one he ever preached - and read it to them. - I had spoken of having one of them here. I could not to it for many people but I could not very well refuse her for I know she wanted to hear it because she loved him so
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much. Yesterday afternoon I felt very sad but about half past four I got ready and went up there and carried the sermon on "Moral Shadows." I did not intend to stay but she wanted me to so I did. We talked a good deal of the loved one and I think it did me good. She said if there ever was a man that Mr. S_ loved it was my father. I read the sermon to them in the evening. They seemed to enjoy it very much - so much that I could not regret reading it although it was hard to do. When I came away Mrs. S_ drew me up to her and kissed me. I do not know why it is but I can talk to her more easily than to anyone else here about my darling although there are many who loved him dearly. Mrs. S_ asked me yesterday if I had seen old Deacon Cleveland. She said that when father left here for Waterville_ Dea. C_ said "it is not right for him to go_ No more so than for a man to leave his wife" It is pleasant to find so many who do love the memory of the dear father. I have seven music
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pupils now and I hear Miss Linda recite in French. I room with Miss Holt and I like her very much as I become better acquainted with her. She is a very good scholar and is the High School assistant. She is a graduate of Kents Hill. I am hoping my class will increase in numbers soon for I need more work to support myself to say nothing of caring for mother.

It has been some time since I write in this book. I am feeling very anxious and rather worried about my class. It does not increase in size and I've barely enough now to pay my board. What I am going to do for winter clothing I do not know if I do not have more pupils. I try to trust but it is pretty hard. Ella has only small pay and her work is not constant so what are we to do? Dear father is beyond all these worries and perplexities but it seems as if we only had him we should not have these. I feel so blue and discouraged most of the time that the tears will come often and then I want him as much the more. It seems as if I ever loved him half enough when I had him though how I could have
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loved him more. I try not to write blue letters to Ella and mother and I tell them all the pleasant things. I do'nt know what I should do if I could not have Mrs. Steward to go too. Last Tuesday Mrs. Cleveland invited me to take tea and spend the evening there and ^meet Mrs. Horatio Emery and her brother Mr. Wheeler who is here for the first time for twenty years. I had a pleasant evening and stayed all night with Miss Mary Cleveland. The next morning I went in to see Ella a little while and then went in to Mrs. Steward's. She kept me all day. She talked a good deal about my dear father and told me some things about him as her pastor. She said he had talked about her to some of her friends and said he did not think she did right for he thought she had a secret hope that she was a christian. SThey told her what he said and she said she would do anything he told her to. They asked if she would talk with him. She said she would. Not long after he called to have some conversation with her. She said she did not know
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what made her do so, because she never had told but one other person and had always been very reserved on the subject, but she told him all her experience and feelings from the time she was seventeen until that time. He did not say much expeccept to ask occasionally if she thought she did right, or something similar. As she finished she said "If sometimes think if it had'nt been for my mother and Nahum, I should have been a sceptic." Said he "You ought have great reason to thank the Lord, then, that you have such friends." She told him that sometimes she could'nt bring herself to kneel but could only stand and say "God be merciful to me a sinner." He looked her directly in the eye and asked if she would bow with him then in prayer. She hesitated and he asked her three times before she could decide to do so. She looked up to me with her eyes glistening and said, "I shall not forget that prayer." In the evening she went to prayermeeting in the congregational church and she said he walked across the platform singing "Depth of mercy, can there be
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Mercy indecipherablestill reserved for me?" She said she should never forget it and that hymn always brought him right up to her though it never sounded as it did when he sang it. He seemed to feel every word of it. All these reminiscences of him are so precious to me. I hear many speak of him and his sermons and all speak in such high terms of both. Dear, darling father! Would that I might have more of his spirit and love for christian work. I do not see that I improve in any respect and I know one cannot keep still. Sometimes I almost feel afraid that I have no real desire to be a christian, but I do want to have such desire.

I received a letter from Ella last night sixteen pages long. She writes me so fully that it is almost like hearing her talk to read one of her letters. Eunie Cole reached Boston on Monday from her European tour and NWed. called on Ella. They had a nice talk for two or three hours. Eunie expects to be married this fawinter to George Kendall. I hope she will be happy but
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I wish she was going to marry some one else. I never fancied him very much. Em Wood is for the present in Murray's office of the Golden Rule. She receives ten dollars a week. I do'nt know how long she will stay there but I hope she will be there for some time. I hope Ella's salary will be raised soon for I think she ought to have more, than she has now and she needs it. I feel very anxious myself. It is well I suppose that I cannot look a head and see what is before me. Ella wrote that Mrs. M^cIntire was in to see aunt Mia and she told her that when father was out to Newton in speaking of her children he said "I see you make companions of your daughters" She said "Yes" And he said he thought people enjoyed their children more in that way. He said that his two daughters had been all that he could desire, He would'nt have them changed. They had never given him an impudent word in their lives. They had been free and yet respectful. Dear father. How could we have been impudent to him? We loved him too well.
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Eph expects to sail for Rio Janeiro next Saturday. I think it will probably be a good thing for him I think he is in a fair way to be ruined in South Boston but yet I feel badly to have him go away so. He goes with a Christian captain though. Capt. Heminway of Camden. We can still pray for him.

The past week has been one of excitment, of mingled hope and fear. Last Tuesday was election day. On Wednesday morning it was reported and believed both by Democrats and Republicans, that Tilden, the democratic candidate, had received the majority of votes and would be our next president. The Democrats of course were jubilant and the Republicans felt dreadfully. Before night however, the reports were chagned and since then have varied, at one time giving Hayes the majority at another giving it to Tilden. We do not yet know who will be our next ruler. God grant that he may be a wise and good man.

There is great excitement all over the country about this election.

My life goes on in much the same way. My class instead of increasing seems to be diminishing. It now numbers only five. Miss Smiley has gone home now but says that if she comes back another term to teach she will go on with her lessons. I do hope that I shall have more pupils soon. If I do'nt I do not know what I shall do. There are some things which I need but cannot have unless I do have more pupils or can earn more money in some way or other. And then mother and Ella need winter clothing and something to pay the housekeeping bills with. Sometimes I think that I almost wish I was sure of being ready and could be taken away from all these perplexities and anxieties, But I know they are given for our good and I do want to bear them in the way which shall help me improve.

I feel, sometimes, as if I did wrong in coming here, as if I was too anxious not to be obliged to teach public school and so did not wait long enough before deciding. But if I did make a mistake I cannot help it now. I tried to
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decide aright. God can help me here and now if he sees that it is for the best. Oh! I wish that I did and could trust him. His word is full of promises to those who walk uprightly and who hHis children, but I feel as if they hardly belong to me. At times I feel as if there was no hope for me, as if I never had been a christian and never should be, and I seem to have no feeling. I want to be a christian and I do ask the Saviour to take me and make me hHis now if I never have been His before. But, one thing that troubles me is this, that I do not do anything for Him. It seems as if I do not even correct any of my faults and I do not see them or realize them as I ought. I do not have the sorrow for sin that I ought to have. I do want to make my prayer "Search me, Oh God and know my heart. Try me and know my thoughts and see if there is any evil way in me and lead me in the way everlasting."

It is nearly two months since I last wrote in this book. They are not months over which it gives me pleasure to look. I do not see that I've done any more for any one or for God than in months still farther away. At times, my life seems to me perfectly useless. I think I have never realized as I do now of how little importance or benefit I am to any one. It certainly seems as if one as well and strong as I am ought to do something to benefit others. I can not see that I have much influence over others and I do not feel that I improve myself. It has been said that we cannot stand still, that we must improve or grow worse. I want to improve but perhaps my desire is not strong enough. May the Lord help me to make this year a better one than the last has been, one in which I shall do some thing for Him. These anniversaries through which we have been passing have been very sad to me. They recall the many times when we as a family have celebrated them together and remind me that we can never again be an unbroken family. Two of our loved ones are rejoicing in the land where there is no sorrow.

Life itself is entirely changed to me. My feelings in regard to it are entirely different from what they used to be. I used to think that I wanted to live, long years, there was pleasure in being alive and ⁱⁿ study and reading and work. I do not mean that I have no enjoyment in these things now but- I scarcely know how to express my feelings in respect to this_ the one great object that we three had to live for has been taken away and we are without a support. I do feel as if I wanted to take up the work that my father left and do all that I can to help it on. I do love my mother and sister very very dearly and want to help them all I can, but sometimes it seems as if could not live without my father_ Oh! I want him so much this morning. But how happy he is in his blest home above. I wonder if it is permitted to him to look down and see us here on earth. My father my father, sometimes asit seems as if my heart would break for you. The nNew Year does not open very brightly for me. My class is small only numbering seven with no prospect of increase that I can see. I earn barely enough to pay my
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board and I shall need some things by and by. It is hard to trust sometimes. I want to earn for myself and mother, rather than to have ait given us, but I ought to be willing to have it come in the way the Lord appoints. My verse for the other day was "Trust in the Lord with all thine heart, and Llean not on thine own understanding. Acknowledge him in all thy ways and he shall direct thy path."

I came here to Mr. Steward's to board in Nov. and I like very much. They have been very kind to me and I shall always remember them with much love.. I received a New Year's present from Mrs. Ayer and Mrs. Stevens of a silk handkerchief for the neck and a silk and lace banow for the neck also. I find many who are kind and pleasant and I wish oh so much that I might be so lovely and amiable that they might all love me.

Help me oh Father that my path may be as the shining light which shineth more and more unto the perfect day.

I've neglected my journal for a long time, partly because I've been busy and partly from other reasons. In June I left Skowehegan and came to Boston. My class decreased and there seemed no immediate prospect of increase. The way seemed closed for me there and it seemed advisable to come to Boston. There is no opening for me here and I do not know what I am going to do. We are living on Ella's earnings, but seven dollars a week does not go very far toward paying rent and taking care of three. We manage to get along without going into debt and are comfortable. Of course there are not many luxuries. But it troubles me to have Ella's earnings all used in this way and I do nothing to help. She has very little left with which to clothe herself. I have been sewing ever since I came home and have'nt done half that is to be done.I have no time to practice or study and I feel as if I ought to do both. My faith is weak. Sometimes I feel as if I did not believe in anything but I try not
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to allow those thoughts to come into my mind. I know I have neglected prayer much more since I came back than I ought to have done. But sometimes the thought has come to me "Of what avail are your prayers? They can not change anything. What is to be, will be." I feel that these thoughts are not right and I do firmly believe in the prayers of others. It does not seem to me that my own are worth answering, or rather I am not worthy to have them answered. But really, in the depths of my heart, when I think of it, I believe that God is leading us. I know "He doeth all things well" but it is hard always to realize it.

Many things trouble and worry me but I desire to leave them all with Him who has made all things. One year ago today my dear father bid us all farewell and spoke words that can never be forgotten by me. These days have been oh! so sad to me. I have lived over the low wasting away of our dear one and the last days of his life. What would I not give only to hear him speak just once more to me. My heart
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aches when I think of the many days since I heard his dear voice. On earth there was nothing dearer to me as my father_ and never can be anything or any one so dear again. My whole life is changed within this year. There can never again be that enjoyment to me in many things or indeed in any thing which I had when I could share it with my father. I laugh and talk, I read and practice but the enjoyment which I used to have is not there. Sometimes I wonder at myself_ how I can do any of these things and almost feel as if I was heartless to be able to do them at all. I cannot realize even now that one year ago today my father lay on his dying bed. And yet it all came up before me and I see him and hear him as if it was but yesterday. Oh! I miss him so much. "Only a little while" he said it would be and to him it is indeed a little while but, to us who are left behind it seems like ages since he went away. Almost one year he has been with the Master he loved
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and the happiness of that year I fully believe has been more than that of all his life beside. Would I call him back from that holy happy home? I could not do that but I do feel sometimes as if I would have kept him if it had been in my power. Fatherless! one year and yet I have lived. And yet I cannot feel just so for I feel that my father is mine yet although he has gone up higher. I do feel that this year has given me more earnest desires to be a humble earnest christian like my father than ever Ive had before. I do want my life to be one that shall honor the Master whom he loved.. My heart is cold and my life is far from what it should be but Oh father in heaven, help me to consecrate it wholly and unreservedly to thee and make it an honor to thee and a blessing to all with whom I come in contact.

The first Sunday of the new year! What have I to write? Nothing good about myself. I do not think I improve as the days pass. I am almost frightened at myself sometimes. It seems to me at times that I've really no earnest desire to improve. And yet I know, when I stop and think, that I have. But oh! how week and feeble it is! At night I think as I look back over the day just passed, Tomorrow I will try and do better, I will not give away to unpleasant thoughts or feelings and will not be cross and I do ask for help, but something troubles me or vexes me, and often it is only a very little thing, and I yield to the vexation and speak harshly or act unkindly. And one thing that troubles me is that at the very time that I do these things, I often realize that I am doing wrong and breaking my good resolutions but I do not care for the moment. I am not patient. But I will try and see if this year will not be a better one to me than those which have preceded it. Help me, father, to control my actions and my speech and to grow in grace. Help me to do something for Thee.

I do feel that the Lord has us in His care and keeping. We have much for which to thank Him. We have health and strength and have been enabled to keep together and not ask help from anyone. We have kind friends and those have that have done many little things for us.

I do not commence the year with any bright prospect before me in the way of earning money. But I do not see very well how I could be spared from home at present. There is a good deal of sewing that must be done and no one but me to do it. We can none of us afford to hire it done so that it seems as if I must do it. Em Lewis came over to see us Jan 2^nd. Mother was not at home so I had her visit all to myself. When she went away she gave me a five dollar bill saying she wanted to give me a New Year's present and did not know what to get. I was much astonished but thanked her. I hope that sometime I may be able to give to others. I find that I enjoy giving much bet ter than receiving that is unless I can give too.

What will the New Year bring to me?
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I sometimes wish I could tell and yet I am glad that the knowledge is withheld. Changes are occurring all the time. Mr.Butler's family areis all broken up. His wife at Augusta. Himself at Dexter. The girls with Nat at school and George and Jeannie at Revere. They have a very pleasant home there. Jeannie gave birth to a little boy Christmas night, who only lived eleven hours. Aunt Lizzie is taking care of her and the liking is mutual I believe. Delia Howard is to be married soon to Mr.Bower. It seems very strange to me but I presume they know their own minds best. I hope she will make a good minister's wife. I shall try and write more off this year, AnAt any rate until I fill the book.

I have had nothing encouraging about my own affairs to write so have neglected writing. In May we moved from S. Boston to Dorchester.` We have a very pleasant house and are with a very kind and pleasant family. Mr.Whipple and his wife and little girl Fannie are all members of the Congregational church of which Mr.Shorey is
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pastor. It was through Mr.Shorey that we found this house. It is a wooden house and has quietquite a yard_ Mrs.Whipple let us have half the garden and we enjoyed it much this summer. I give Fannie music lessons and she practises on my piano and so I help pay the rent. I feel that God has been very good to us. For I do truly believe that it was His overruling hand which brought us here. We have had considerable company since we moved and of course we have enjoyed it although we have been somewhat cramped for means. But we have been enabled by dint of close economy of every cent to keep square with the world. But Ella has had no vacation or rest at all. I did want her to take one this summer but she could not do so for who would pay the rent and support the family? She needs a rest for it is two years last May since she had one. I have nothing to do that brings in any money. I've sewed ever since a year ago last last June and yet have enough sewing to keep me busy for a long time. Underclothes, repairing &c.

I have no dressmaking for myself to do because
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I've made over everything I had to make over and I see no prospect of ever being able to have a new dress again. I expect we shall be taken care of and kept from starvation but it looks pretty dark to me ahead. I do not see any prospect for work for myself and I do not see how I could go away and leave mother now, for she is too miserable to try to do all the work, cooking and all. My way looks very dark. For two years I have done nothing to help at all. I just managed to keep straight while I was in Skowhegan but I had nothing while there and I've had nothing since. We need thirty dollars now to pay for coal for winter and a barrel of flour. I have been asking the Lord to send it to us in some way or to send me the chance to earn it at once but perhaps I have'nt faith enough. I do'nt like to be an object of charity, but I do wish some one would send me a few hundred dollars. I do need it very much. Still I am thankful for a shelter and home. But every thing is very different from what it used to be. This summer in many respects has been
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a sad one. It seems to me I've missed and wanted my father more than ever before since he left us.

Sometimes it seems as if I must have him. It is a great mistake to tell people when they lose their loved ones that they will get over the loss in time. It is far from being a comfort at the time and it is not true. Eph and Louchi came and spent Friday night with us. Eph was on his way back to Brimfield to his school. He made us quite a visit last spring and we enjoyed it very much indeed. He is a nice boy.